Monthly Archives: August 2012

Feeling Out of Place

To those who know me from this blog or follow me on Twitter, I’m sure it’s clear that I suffer from a number of social anxieties. While a lot of them may be trivial to most people, it’s pretty much standard fare for a person who has Aspergers. One of my fears that I am reminded of on almost a daily basis is my fear of looking stupid.

I’m a pretty smart guy. I like being smart; it makes me feel good. I like knowing how to use semicolons correctly. Somewhere deep inside, part of me believes that my intelligence is all that I have. So when I look stupid, I end up losing respect for myself and I get pissed off. A good amount of my tantrums have been caused by me doing something idiotic and getting mad at myself for it.

I hate trying new things because of this. Trying new things means learning something, and learning starts with not knowing something. The “figuring it out” phase is the worst part because I feel like everyone is looking at me, knowing that I don’t have any idea what I’m doing. And don’t even say it – asking for help is out of the question because it shows just how clueless I am.

This all comes up today after I went to go work out. My family got a membership to an indoor activity center, with a pool for the kids and a fitness center/gym included (think YMCA, only without the Village People). With the membership I got a free fitness assessment, which was just as much fun as it sounds. The results showed that I needed to improve my upper body strength, a result that even a legally blind person could have come up with just by looking at me.

Now, as you may have guessed, I’m not a “gym guy.” I never even set foot on a treadmill before the fitness assessment. I feel completely out of place, and I think everyone can tell that I really don’t belong there. So you can imagine how comfortable I am with using all of those complicated weight machines. I can picture it now – standing there looking dumbfounded, scratching my head as I try to decipher the instructions; the snickers and chuckles I’d have to endure as I struggle with the machine, looking more like I’m trying to have sex with the machine than exercise with it; the crushing humiliation when one of the trainers puts their hand on my shoulder, as if to say, “You’ve entertained us enough for today, you can go now.”

I figure that’s the best case scenario.

I know eventually I’ll get annoyed enough with myself where I’ll go all drill sergeant on myself and FORCE myself to do it. Or I’ll wait until nobody’s around so I can have my accidental weight machine intercourse with nobody watching.

Facing the Truth

When posting on this blog, I have always tried to avoid topics that may be controversial. I try my best not to offend anybody. There is an issue that I absolutely must discuss and, quite frankly, there is no easy way to say it other than just putting it right out there:

When the zombie apocalypse comes, Aspies will be the saviors of humanity.

There’s absolutely no denying it. People with Aspergers are better equipped to handle the mental stresses of a post-zombie attack world. Social skills will be valued less, while other skills that are vital to survival will become important – skills such as ingenuity, resourcefulness, and kicking serious zombie ass.

Surviving in a world overrun by the living dead will require the use of effective makeshift weapons. The fate of humanity will rest on our ability to create and use unconventional weapons. There is no group of people more well known for their out-of-the-box thinking than Aspies. For example: a neurotypical person looks ni their garage and sees a bunch of junk. I can look in the same garage and see the materials to make three different types of melee weapons, a crossbow, and a flamethrower. Who do you want on your zombie fighting team?

Aspies can also make the tough decisions when the rubber hits the road. Food supplies need rationing? An Aspie can create a comprehensive feeding schedule based on average calories required and consumed, rotation of food stock per day, and preferred flavors. An injured ally is holding you back? An Aspie can determine if the person is worth saving or not, without all those messy emotions getting in the way. Your best friend has been bitten? An Aspie has no problem killing him. He’s technically not even human anymore.

Most importantly, people with Aspergers would be the best zombie killers ever. Most people underestimate how difficult it is mentally to point a gun at something, shoot it, and kill it. It’s even harder to shoot at something that resembles a person. It’s even harder still to shoot something that, you know, used to be human. I’m willing to bet a good portion of you would wimp out. Not us Aspies. Our emotional detatchment allows us to understand that zombies are no longer humans – they are a threat to us, and must be eliminated in the most permanent way possible. True, Aspies may not look so cool walking around with earmuffs on to protect themselves from the loud gunshots, but it’s a small price to pay in order to be a complete badass in all other ways measurable.